Many game widows feel that video games are like the "other woman." Competition for your affections. After all, when a gamer is stressed out about something, does he talk it over with you? No, he turns on the computer. Who does he spend all his time thinking about, planning for, and hanging out with? The game. Who does he buy stuff for? The game. Who does he talk about? His online friends. For those of us getting nothing over the shoulder but expressionless cartoons and repetitive music and phrases, it's impossible to understand how a game can possibly compete with a real person - and win.
How can this game be better company than a real person?
In a nutshell, video games have been programmed to attract and hold the attention of gamers. Sex and violence alone can't do this, and blaming content alone is shortsighted. The real grabbers are: the ability to have a unique and controllable image, to find easy friendships, to accomplish clearly stated goals and have a guaranteed reward, the chance to be wealthy in goods and cash, find something fresh to explore and experience every day, and exist in a realistic supersize reality other than this one...built just for your enjoyment. These are delights difficult to come by in the real world. To accomplish the things in reality that come automatically with faithful gameplay takes patience, effort, time, skill, knowledge and often a great deal of money. Worse, it takes regular experince with failure before finding success. Most people expect to face difficulties in real life, and are prepared for setbacks. However, why face disappointment if you don't have to?
We've all fantasized about getting away from it all. For some of us, this means a permanent vacation to a beach, or winning the lottery. Others imagine what it would be like to be able to move to a fictional world they've read about in a book, or seen in a movie. Gamers who don't surface from their virtual worlds except when forced to by Mother Nature or going to work to support their game subscription have done just that...moved into a permanent fantasy world.
Not all video games have all these attractions built in. Massively multi-player online games do, and console games have a majority of them, especially if networked online. Even casual games feature one or two of these sticky factors to attract and hold the attention of the player. These games may look like they'd be boring after a few minutes or hours, but once in, you're invested. You feel you've worked for your reward, but really, you've been rewarded for having fun. This is how video games compete with real life and real people.
So really, the other woman is YouLite. She has all the same attractions you do...the only difference is that she's emotionally cheap and safe, gives frequent flyer miles, flirts but won't commit and is completely disposable. Don't like her, tired of her? Exchange her for a different one. Doesn't that make you feel better? You might be tempted now to tell your gamer those pearls are fake. But don't bother. To him, that virtual woman is a classy lady. And if he knows he prefers virtual relationships to you, he doesn't want to hear the ugly truth out loud, from you. That's a different conversation.
(Wendy Kays' first book, Game Widow, publishes September 1st, 2008. Sneak preview copies are available at GameWidow.org.)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Naked Angry Cartoon Magazines
So whatever, it's game art on the cover and all through the game magazines that come into the house for your gamer. Most game widows just flip these mags cover-down to avoid the aggressive stares of half-naked cartoon characters. Or if that just turns up a fresh beast of some sort with human anatomy barely covered by "armor," the magazine goes under another one, or in another room.
But have you thought about how many of those images are in a single magazine?
Just to be funny, I stuck blank address labels like fig leaves over stuff I "didn't want my husband looking at" right after we were married. He laughed the first time I did it, and told me to cut it out the second time. No longer amusing. But why would he object to having his game art made modest? I wasn't covering any content other than the cartoon bits. Then it struck me. These are girly mags in disguise.
Game art is not innocent imagery, just because it isn't live models with real fleshy cracks. Only a naive person would imagine so. Which for a "consenting adult" is no big deal. Adults controlling what material, pictoral or prose, other adults consume is censorship. However, a parent in a private home choosing what children will be exposed to is not censorship, it is responsible parenting. However, game magazines don't come with a ratings sticker on the mailing label or an ID check at the store. So many parents haven't considered what their children - let alone their spouses - are looking at every new month.
With so many people up in arms about Calvin Klein ads featuring children in underwear, and Victoria Secret ads being treated as porn by young kids, how did game magazines sneak under everyone's radar? Because everyone knows cartoons are for kids...G rated. We assumed, and there, we erred. Time to check the magazine racks, dad, for stuff you don't want your little ones looking at.
And game widows, it's time to have a chat with the adult gamer in your life about those magazines. Especially if you are the kind of girl who doesn't care for competition.
(Wendy Kays' first book, Game Widow, publishes on September 1st, 2008. Sneak preview copies can be purchased at GameWidow.org, and advance orders placed with any bookstore online or off.)
But have you thought about how many of those images are in a single magazine?
Just to be funny, I stuck blank address labels like fig leaves over stuff I "didn't want my husband looking at" right after we were married. He laughed the first time I did it, and told me to cut it out the second time. No longer amusing. But why would he object to having his game art made modest? I wasn't covering any content other than the cartoon bits. Then it struck me. These are girly mags in disguise.
Game art is not innocent imagery, just because it isn't live models with real fleshy cracks. Only a naive person would imagine so. Which for a "consenting adult" is no big deal. Adults controlling what material, pictoral or prose, other adults consume is censorship. However, a parent in a private home choosing what children will be exposed to is not censorship, it is responsible parenting. However, game magazines don't come with a ratings sticker on the mailing label or an ID check at the store. So many parents haven't considered what their children - let alone their spouses - are looking at every new month.
With so many people up in arms about Calvin Klein ads featuring children in underwear, and Victoria Secret ads being treated as porn by young kids, how did game magazines sneak under everyone's radar? Because everyone knows cartoons are for kids...G rated. We assumed, and there, we erred. Time to check the magazine racks, dad, for stuff you don't want your little ones looking at.
And game widows, it's time to have a chat with the adult gamer in your life about those magazines. Especially if you are the kind of girl who doesn't care for competition.
(Wendy Kays' first book, Game Widow, publishes on September 1st, 2008. Sneak preview copies can be purchased at GameWidow.org, and advance orders placed with any bookstore online or off.)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Why Don't Game Widows Play Video Games, Too?
All game widows are pressured to try video games at some point. Many gamers actually buy games for the non-gamers in their lives, in an attempt to entice them into playing. Most gamers have pure motives for wanting their game widows or widowers to play. They know their spouse, their parent, their child, is not happy during the time they play, and want to include them in the pleasure they get from their game. But some just hope that if the naggers play too, they’ll stop protesting.
So why is it game widows won’t just play video games, too?
First: they have established interests of their own. Why should they give up precious time from their own favorite activities to take up yours? It may be heresy in the ears of a gamer, but the non-gamer may just not think games are entertaining. Even if a game widower enjoys playing sports, he isn’t going to automatically appreciate sports-themed video games. He can’t get what he’s getting from live play by playing a video game. Even if he’s a couch fan, there are attractions he gets from a live game he can’t from a video game. It doesn’t matter how realistic or hi-def the video game version of their hobby is, it can’t match the real life experience for most non-gamers.
Second: Game widows have had lots of time to observe video game play, and gamer behavior isn’t attractive. Far from the advertised photos of models smiling and laughing together while holding a controller, they see a lone player with either a fixed, flat expression, or a downright frown. If they see the gamer’s face at all. More often, they’re left looking at the back of a head. A group of players don’t smile either, and rarely look at each other. Game widows hear gamers shouting angrily during the game, using language they’d never hear in that person’s normal conversation. And the unhappiness doesn’t seem to end with the game. Gamers don’t bounce up from a game with a happy, carefree grin and immediately join in with what everyone else is doing. Even if there’s no fight over ending the game, the gamer goes through a hangover period. They are distracted, tired, and irritable. None of this promotes video game play as a fun and relaxing way to spend free time. Non-gamers can’t be sold on how fun video games are when they’ve seen and experienced endless hours of what looks like stress and misery.
The third reason game widows resist playing video games is very specific to the experience of womanhood. Women have pressed for equal rights in the workplace, and equal help with the housework at home, for decades. The modest advances they’ve made have been hard won and easily lost. Women in general still do not have equal pay for equal work, or carry only half of the child-rearing and household duties. The heavier burden falls on the woman a majority of the time, in gaming and non-gaming homes. It is still the woman who makes the permanent career sacrifices to have a family, and the mother who doesn’t have the luxury of saying to herself, “If I don’t take care of the kids, someone else will step in.”
A female game widow, even if she does play video games (or wants to) has less money to spend on her own entertainment than a male, and even less time to devote to it thanks to more work hours spent to get that second-place paycheck. A game widow might be able to abandon the housework with her significant other and play video games if she doesn’t mind things piling up. After all, it’s nearly impossible to set down the controller on schedule, or keep track of time in a game. But when there are children, someone has to be mindful 24/7 to deal with needs, dangers, illnesses and the attention a child needs to survive and feel confident and loved. The female gamer with children has to power up with the expectation of losing when she drops the controller to catch barf in midair.
When a woman considers her limited personal time, she wants to do what interests her and fits her lifestyle, not what interests and fits the lifestyle of someone else. It shouldn’t be surprising women want to have control of their own lives. They want to play when they feel like playing, what they feel like playing, and stop when they feel the need to. For women desperately needing help from a life partner, being told to relax and play a video game doesn’t sound like a loving invitation. The game widow doesn’t hear “Would you like to play,” or even, “I care about how you feel.” She hears “I have no idea how much work you do, and don’t really care.” Worse, she also understands, “You can't make me help you,” and, “you can’t beat me, so join me.” When a woman gives up her personal time to please someone else, she’s being accommodating, not included.
The last reason game widows don’t join gamers playing video games: Video games are not the problem. The relationship is the problem. Non-gamers may say they hate video games, but what they really hate is the relationship problem between themselves and the gamer. A gamer may think if the non-gamer learned to love video games, the relationship conflict will be over. But no amount of gaming will solve a family problem – it just delays the inevitable resolution, good or bad. Offering a controller to someone asking you to stop playing and do something else is like offering to deal a starving person begging for food into your poker game. It's a demonstration to the non-gamer of how vast the misunderstanding is between the two of you.
Game widows want to spend time with their gamers. Non-gaming time. They want help with the household workload. Playing video games together will never fill all the quality time or emotional needs of a family member, even one who is interested in playing. Truly happy families do more together than be entertained. Instead of asking why the non-gamer doesn’t just play, maybe we should be asking why the gamer can’t relate without playing a game. Or more productively, what exactly each member of the family needs to feel included, loved and in control of his or her life. Once these basic survival needs are met, maybe we can talk about who is entertained and how.
(Wendy Kays' first book, Game Widow, publishes September 1st, 2008. Sneak preview copies are available at GameWidow.org.)
So why is it game widows won’t just play video games, too?
First: they have established interests of their own. Why should they give up precious time from their own favorite activities to take up yours? It may be heresy in the ears of a gamer, but the non-gamer may just not think games are entertaining. Even if a game widower enjoys playing sports, he isn’t going to automatically appreciate sports-themed video games. He can’t get what he’s getting from live play by playing a video game. Even if he’s a couch fan, there are attractions he gets from a live game he can’t from a video game. It doesn’t matter how realistic or hi-def the video game version of their hobby is, it can’t match the real life experience for most non-gamers.
Second: Game widows have had lots of time to observe video game play, and gamer behavior isn’t attractive. Far from the advertised photos of models smiling and laughing together while holding a controller, they see a lone player with either a fixed, flat expression, or a downright frown. If they see the gamer’s face at all. More often, they’re left looking at the back of a head. A group of players don’t smile either, and rarely look at each other. Game widows hear gamers shouting angrily during the game, using language they’d never hear in that person’s normal conversation. And the unhappiness doesn’t seem to end with the game. Gamers don’t bounce up from a game with a happy, carefree grin and immediately join in with what everyone else is doing. Even if there’s no fight over ending the game, the gamer goes through a hangover period. They are distracted, tired, and irritable. None of this promotes video game play as a fun and relaxing way to spend free time. Non-gamers can’t be sold on how fun video games are when they’ve seen and experienced endless hours of what looks like stress and misery.
The third reason game widows resist playing video games is very specific to the experience of womanhood. Women have pressed for equal rights in the workplace, and equal help with the housework at home, for decades. The modest advances they’ve made have been hard won and easily lost. Women in general still do not have equal pay for equal work, or carry only half of the child-rearing and household duties. The heavier burden falls on the woman a majority of the time, in gaming and non-gaming homes. It is still the woman who makes the permanent career sacrifices to have a family, and the mother who doesn’t have the luxury of saying to herself, “If I don’t take care of the kids, someone else will step in.”
A female game widow, even if she does play video games (or wants to) has less money to spend on her own entertainment than a male, and even less time to devote to it thanks to more work hours spent to get that second-place paycheck. A game widow might be able to abandon the housework with her significant other and play video games if she doesn’t mind things piling up. After all, it’s nearly impossible to set down the controller on schedule, or keep track of time in a game. But when there are children, someone has to be mindful 24/7 to deal with needs, dangers, illnesses and the attention a child needs to survive and feel confident and loved. The female gamer with children has to power up with the expectation of losing when she drops the controller to catch barf in midair.
When a woman considers her limited personal time, she wants to do what interests her and fits her lifestyle, not what interests and fits the lifestyle of someone else. It shouldn’t be surprising women want to have control of their own lives. They want to play when they feel like playing, what they feel like playing, and stop when they feel the need to. For women desperately needing help from a life partner, being told to relax and play a video game doesn’t sound like a loving invitation. The game widow doesn’t hear “Would you like to play,” or even, “I care about how you feel.” She hears “I have no idea how much work you do, and don’t really care.” Worse, she also understands, “You can't make me help you,” and, “you can’t beat me, so join me.” When a woman gives up her personal time to please someone else, she’s being accommodating, not included.
The last reason game widows don’t join gamers playing video games: Video games are not the problem. The relationship is the problem. Non-gamers may say they hate video games, but what they really hate is the relationship problem between themselves and the gamer. A gamer may think if the non-gamer learned to love video games, the relationship conflict will be over. But no amount of gaming will solve a family problem – it just delays the inevitable resolution, good or bad. Offering a controller to someone asking you to stop playing and do something else is like offering to deal a starving person begging for food into your poker game. It's a demonstration to the non-gamer of how vast the misunderstanding is between the two of you.
Game widows want to spend time with their gamers. Non-gaming time. They want help with the household workload. Playing video games together will never fill all the quality time or emotional needs of a family member, even one who is interested in playing. Truly happy families do more together than be entertained. Instead of asking why the non-gamer doesn’t just play, maybe we should be asking why the gamer can’t relate without playing a game. Or more productively, what exactly each member of the family needs to feel included, loved and in control of his or her life. Once these basic survival needs are met, maybe we can talk about who is entertained and how.
(Wendy Kays' first book, Game Widow, publishes September 1st, 2008. Sneak preview copies are available at GameWidow.org.)
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