Monday, October 27, 2008

Treatment Options - Phil Reaction Blog II

At the end of the show “Virtual Chaos,” Dr. Phil tosses out a comment about game abuse requiring “highly specialized treatment.” Speaking for those of us who’ve spent a lot of time trying to sort out what scant professional (and unprofessional) help is offered out there, I have to say…what?

From the game widow perspective, there’s no real treatment plan out there. Every psychologist, counselor, doctor and lay citizen I’ve found suggesting “treatment” options has a different approach. Some go with the twelve-step model, some go with the couples counseling model, and I’ve even read about treatment clinics in foreign countries where they’re sticking some kind of IV in the arms of patients…with no mention of WHAT is in the IV. Scary! So I don’t know if Dr. Phil has some highly specialized plan of his own he plans to roll out, but I’ve not seen any press releases from the American Medical or Psychological Associations even recognizing game abuse or “addiction” as an official diagnosis in their DSMs. So I doubt there’s an agreed-upon, highly researched and officially approved plan for dealing with game abuse, let alone a highly specialized treatment. If there is, it must be classified, because there’s no mention of it on the web or in any professional journal I’ve skimmed lately.

I think the most frustrating thing about publicly talking about game culture issues on a household level is getting emails from people asking where they can find a professional to help them. They’ve tried yelling and begging, and they’ve given up hope that anything they do will make a difference. They need help, but where should they go?

First, no person, gamer or not, will respond positively to being dragged to a counselor to be “fixed.” Unless a person is willing to change, and sees a good reason for doing so, they just won’t. Second, most counselors impress gamers very quickly as being out of touch with what’s important to them. They don’t know the games, they don’t know the culture, and they don’t seem to grasp that they come off as condescending and pompous when they pretend to be familiar with game culture, but know only stereotypes. Third, most of the counselors trying to specialize and provide useful help in this area live too far away to even consider a visit to see if they might be the right person to help, let alone visit regularly enough to receive counseling.

So what can I tell the people emailing me in the midst of their despair? First, don’t try to talk to your gamer about how you feel when you’re upset and the game is on. Wait until you’re both happy and relaxed, or schedule a time when he’s not fresh off the game or anticipating a new game. Second, talk about the issues, not each other. If you take a side, it’s human nature for the other conversant to take the other side. Gamers are just as familiar with the risks of gaming as they are the benefits. Talk about both. If you talk about how they affect your relationship, ask if he wants to do figure it out between you two alone, or if there’s someone you both trust to help mediate and translate, or if he’s willing to work with you to find a counselor you both feel comfortable talking to. You can change your minds later if the option you choose doesn’t work out, and go for a different approach. Third, if you do go looking for a mediator or counselor, be patient. You’re not going to find the right person to click with you both the first time you meet with someone…unless you’re incredibly lucky. And when you start meeting with this professional, don’t expect change all at once, or for the conversation to be all about the gamer. Be prepared to make some changes yourself. After all, the goal here isn’t to be “right” or to “win,” but to work out a way to keep this relationship and make it work for both of you.

Of course, there’s always the chance your gamer will tell you to hit the road if you don’t like how things are. In that case, “highly specialized treatment,” as Dr. Phil puts it, means letting go of what he wants, and focusing on what you need. You only have three choices. Live with it, renegotiate, or leave. Only you can decide which of those options will work for you, or if you need to try them all in your own order. The key here is never to threaten to leave, unless you are immediately prepared, mentally and physically, to do so. Empty threats only weaken your credibility, and thus, your ability to bargain effectively. Sometimes, you just have to let go of the hope that he’ll wake up and want to make you happy, and go find someone who won’t treat you like a rebellious servant. Someone actually interested enough in an offline relationship to balance gaming and real life, and handle the responsibility and emotions that come with living with another person as an intimate partner. It’s harsh, and painful, to face this decision when your gamer doesn’t seem to care how you feel, or even if you live or die. But part of being a game widow is being tough enough to see your personal reality and deal with it, especially when he won’t.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dr. Phil Virtual Chaos Episode

Now that the Dr. Phil Show has aired, I’m legally free to blog about the experience of being on the Virtual Chaos show, and the content of the show itself. Yes! There’s so much to comment on that it’s tough to choose what to hit first. So I’ll go with how very ironic it is to be accused by Dr. Phil of defending the game industry (i.e. not being objective) because my husband is a designer. Most people assume from the title and cover of my book, Game Widow, that I’m anti-industry. And truthfully, when I started researching this issue in 2002, I was so angry about being a game widow that I included the industry and everyone involved with making games in that rage. It’s been a long road, and I can laugh now at being told I’m pro-industry. Not because I’m pro- or anti-, but because I’ve finally hit that place where I can be factual enough to be accused by both sides of being on the other side. It’s a strange feeling.

When I told my mom I was invited to be on The Dr. Phil Show, she asked, “Do we like Dr. Phil?” In a polite way, I think she was concerned that if I were pushing for a more even-handed and educated approach to problems with video games, Dr. Phil might not be the right forum. I explained to her that going on the show was the right thing for many reasons. First, I believe that the American people are savvier than Hollywood and politicians give them credit for being. After decades of being exposed to movie and television spectacle, we can all pretty much separate showmanship from substance. Second, the people who watch Dr. Phil are looking for direct, non-nonsense approach to difficult subjects. I offer that in Game Widow. Dr. Phil invited me to be an expert on the show because he is not one on this particular subject. Third, Dr. Phil has a very large audience, some of whom might be one of the small percentages (10-20% max) of gaming families in which there is someone abusing entertainment. When you’re starting from scratch, it’s hard to join the debate in the middle. Game Widow will get those people up to speed.

The contracts I signed before going on the show made it very clear that Dr. Phil is not a licensed mental health or counseling professional anywhere. (I should also add here, I’m not either.) Those contracts also made it clear that if Dr. Phil messed me up worse than I already am, or I’m pissed about how he twisted my words or manipulated/used me, I can’t sue. (But I can blog, now that the show has aired!) And yes, Dr. Phil did a great demonstration on Virtual Chaos of exactly the opposite approach of handling an abusing gamer that I recommend in Game Widow. But that will make it just that more amusing for people who’ve bought the book because they saw the show. Irony, after all, is a form of humor.

But I think the most important thing to point out in this flagship blog about the Dr. Phil Virtual Chaos episode is the way pre-existing mental health and substance abuse issues for abusing gamers was purposely glossed over, if not completely omitted. I overheard a staff member backstage telling Brad not to mention that he struggles with bi-polar disorder. The explanation? Dr. Phil doesn’t want to talk about that particular issue. Then he didn’t challenge Liz Wooley when he pulled out of her that her son wasn’t completely healthy, but had A.D.D. and epilepsy prior to his gaming, and before he chose to kill himself while his game ran. If Dr. Phil’s definition of a healthy person includes someone struggling with physical and mental health disorders, and those with learning disabilities, that’s important. Especially since his real effort was to make it sound like any normal, healthy person could suddenly flip out and abuse games to the point that they lost everything. While this makes for great television, it certainly doesn’t make for great accuracy. While there are no independent quantitative studies that show the percentages on this, I’ve noticed in my qualitative research that “healthy” is a relative term…see my previous blog on this particular issue. My definition of healthy and Dr. Phil’s are clearly different.

Do I think Dr. Phil is evil, and out to take down the game industry or villanize players? No. I think he’s a showman. I think he did the quintessential show on “game addiction” because his viewers are concerned about game abuse. Perhaps now that he’s covered the standard basics of one perspective so thoroughly, there’s room for a public discussion of other perspectives, thus adding more nuance to the public discussion. After all, most media outlets have only so much time and space. And there’s oh, so much more to talk about.