Free Game Widow Book Download

Looking for a quick, cheap read? For the entire month of May 2009, the whole content of Game Widow will be free on gamewidow.org. Think of it as a one-author stimulus package for families with video game relationship stress + economy stress. Have you been curious, but not sure if Game Widow has anything in it you don’t already know – or anything helpful to offer? Have a free read to check it out. Is your gamer turning to video games more than usual to escape, to change moods, to kill time while waiting for employers to call (with good or bad news)? Change your own mood by turning to a free book. Have you been concerned that this is just an angry wife rant book? Now you can sneak a look what your spouse’s friends are reading – without being seen – for free.

One month only, so check it out now. Time does fly!

(Wendy Kays is the author of Game Widow...also inexpensively available in a handheld paper version with spiffy binding at your favorite online and offline booksellers.)

Women are from Facebook, Men are from WoW

With millions of people online socializing, you’d think everyone connected to the Internet is cool with a significant other spending hours online for entertainment. We do it ourselves, so we should be clear on what those hours are all about. No big deal.

But we're not clear, and we're not cool. Why?

Just because you’re fluent in the language and culture of Facebook or Twitter doesn’t mean you’re fluent in the same aspects of online games. The virtual worlds of video games are very different than the social networking worlds. Whether you’re male or female, it’s important to understand that just because we all live in the same world and have access to the same Internet doesn’t mean we are all doing the same sort of things online for entertainment. Or doing them for the same reasons.

Gamers tend to excuse their long hours soaked into a digital world by saying it’s just a hobby like any other hobby – knitting, watching tv, or chatting on a social web site. However, this is hugely inaccurate. The Grand Canyon-sized gulf between the culture, language and immersiveness of video games and the same aspects of other activities leaves outsiders at a complete loss when looking at the back of a gamer’s head.

The “addictive quality” of Facebook keeps a typical user on the site for almost three hours a month. The average user of World of Warcraft is likely to spends more than three hours logged in on a single night. People who abuse MMOs invest as much as 80+ hours a week “playing.”

What’s the difference between Facebook and World of Warcraft? Just about the same difference as that yawing gulf between the expectations of a man vs. a woman in a romantic relationship.

Knitting and Facebook are hobbies – video games are a fully functioning alternate life. If I could get as much emotionally from knitting as I can from playing an online video game, I’d be the Afghan Queen of the Pacific Northwest. It’s time to stop sitting on two sides of a fence arguing, and face some honest assessment of why games are so much better than real life. Just like unresolved conflict in a marriage, refusing to confront the real issues will not make them wither and die from neglect. Convincing an unhappy spouse to play video games is not resolution to relationship problems. Somewhere down the road, the gulf will have to be filled – if not now, when it’s small, later, when it covers a continent.

(Wendy Kays is the author of GameWidow, a primer for non-gamers on the basic whys and wherefores of key video game issues.)

A Dream of Character Over Stereotype

In his famous speech, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

I wonder what he would think today of our society - not just offline, but online. Many people flee judgement based on their physical appearance by retreating into massively multiplayer online games, where ironically, judgement based on physical appearance is still paramount. How can you escape being a [fill in the blank] online? You, the player, can choose a cartoon that looks nothing like you, called an avatar. You get to choose the stereotypes by which your avatar, and yourself as the controller of the avatar, will be judged. It is merely an illusion of escape. A choice of which prejudices you prefer over others.

No matter what black or white, blue or green represent - coolness or repugnance, toughness or illness, high fashion or out of fashion - we are a judgemental society. Still. Naturally, you'd expect all avatars to be pretty. However, many gamers choose hideous beasts. Why? Even a hideous beast has symbolic and social meaning.

But even when stripped of the interesting avatar choices and gaming stereotypes, and you can truly judge an individual gamer by the choices he or she makes. A gamer's character is truly the sum of his or her daily habits. Perhaps one day, the sum of a gamer's character will be seen in the effects of gaming on family, friends and society instead of in black and white, two side only, good and evil debates about the games themselves.

It's only a dream, but hey - slow progress brought us the election of a man for his character instead of his skin, just as Dr. King hoped would one day happen. (If one can ever truly know the character of a policitian?) Perhaps slow progress will also eventually bring us out of the technology worship that blinds us to the long-term consequences of entertainment bullies. I don't know if Dr. King's four children play video games, or his grandchildren, but I'd prefer to dream that they do something more appropriate to their forefather's legacy in their spare time. Can you imagine if we all did something more inspirational with our spare time than play Solitare or Halo?

(Wendy Kays is the author of Game Widow, elevating the conversation about video games between gamers and non-gamers from "he said, she said" to the larger issues at hand.)

Go Selfish With Your New Year's Resolutions

All the game widows - and game widowers - I know are making New Year's Resolutions. For the most part, they are the same goals everyone else makes. Get more exercise, spend more time with family and friends, etc. However, unlike most people I know, most of the success of their goal relies on a change in Someone Else.

This Someone Else is the significant other who has no intention of cutting back on time spent playing video games this year.

So my game widow friends are doomed to failure. Why? Because you can't make goals for other people and expect them to be met. You can only make an impact on truly personal goals. Selfish goals, that have nothing to do with changing anyone but the goal-maker, and require action (or inaction, if quitting something is at stake) only by the person wanting change.

If you think about it, most gamers have no incentive to change. First, they don't see anything wrong with having another person waiting on them hand and foot. I'd truly love to be in that dilemma myself, honestly. Second, even if they want to pull back on gaming to enjoy other important parts of their life, when the goal is dictated from on high by someone really fed up and angry...well...the kneejerk reaction is to take the opposite point of view and fight for the right to be a total slob.

Most gamers want balance. They understand that gaming is a double-edged sword. Most of the benefits of play are also drawbacks when games are abused. However, changing needs to be their priority - not yours.

So this year, make some truly selfish goals. Change things the half of the relationship you DO have control over. Some suggestions: Stop being angry. Stop waiting on your gamer like a slave. And stop waiting on your gamer, period. In more detail: Gamers don't notice your anger while gaming, and use it as an excuse to escape back into the game. Stop punishing yourself, and them, and be shocked at how much happier you are. Don't do any personal chores for an adult gamer (laundry, toiletry shopping, etc.) that affect only them, and don't wait or expect them to help you. And don't wait on the couch for the magical "when the game is over" moment. Leave. Get a life. Have your own friends, career, pursuits and life that doesn't come to a halt just because your SO's head is stuck in Neverland.

Happy New Year, and...Be Happier This Year!

(Wendy Kays is the author of "Game Widow," a short guide to all the burning questions non-gamers have about why gamers are doing this to us.)

The Perfect Gift vs. The Perfect Holiday

A few years ago, a family member sent Jennifer and her husband, Bob, a check for Christmas. Bob asked Jennifer if he could buy a game console with the money. Jennifer reluctantly agreed. Bob immediately left the house to buy the console, invited a friend to come over and play, and they spent the rest of Christmas Day sitting on the coffee table playing. Jennifer, sitting on the couch, took a picture of the backs of their heads to remember the holiday. She still has it.

As millions of people across the globe prepare for a season of gift giving and family, many are unwittingly planning the failure of their own peace on earth. How? By buying the perfect gift for the obsessive gamer in their life – another video game. Experienced parents and spouses of gamers know that the worst days of game widowhood (i.e. being ignored by a gamer) are those when a gamer gets a new game.

For both gamers and non-gamers, the temptation to give video games as gifts is almost overwhelming. After all, they are received with great joy and enthusiasm, they are great babysitters, and they’re cheap in dollars per hour compared to other forms of entertainment. However, this cheap peace can come with a high emotional price tag. With the positives of video games, there are also well-recognized negatives: the tantrums, the fights over whose turn it is, the gamer’s emotional angst during play and hangover after playing…and the simple fact that a gamer gaming is not spending time with a non-gaming family.

Five suggestions for people considering games as gifts:

First, if you have a problem gamer in the family, don’t give him or her a video game gift. No hardware, no software, no virtual property, nothing. It just doesn’t make sense to give a gift, any gift, which will only cause more trouble.

Second, if you want a non-gaming holiday, set expectations for that, with your gamer, ahead of time.

Third, have your gamer help decide the non-game guests and activities for that day.

Fourth, if despite your best efforts your gamer does retreat into a video game, don’t yell, nag, or beg. But don’t wait on him or her with food and apologies, either.

Fifth and finally, enjoy holiday activities and friends…without the gamer. Don’t be an emotional hostage. It’s natural to be disappointed that things didn’t turn out as hoped, but you need to remember that adults get to make their own decisions, and face the consequences of those decisions. All you can control is your half of the relationship.

Treatment Options - Phil Reaction Blog II

At the end of the show “Virtual Chaos,” Dr. Phil tosses out a comment about game abuse requiring “highly specialized treatment.” Speaking for those of us who’ve spent a lot of time trying to sort out what scant professional (and unprofessional) help is offered out there, I have to say…what?

From the game widow perspective, there’s no real treatment plan out there. Every psychologist, counselor, doctor and lay citizen I’ve found suggesting “treatment” options has a different approach. Some go with the twelve-step model, some go with the couples counseling model, and I’ve even read about treatment clinics in foreign countries where they’re sticking some kind of IV in the arms of patients…with no mention of WHAT is in the IV. Scary! So I don’t know if Dr. Phil has some highly specialized plan of his own he plans to roll out, but I’ve not seen any press releases from the American Medical or Psychological Associations even recognizing game abuse or “addiction” as an official diagnosis in their DSMs. So I doubt there’s an agreed-upon, highly researched and officially approved plan for dealing with game abuse, let alone a highly specialized treatment. If there is, it must be classified, because there’s no mention of it on the web or in any professional journal I’ve skimmed lately.

I think the most frustrating thing about publicly talking about game culture issues on a household level is getting emails from people asking where they can find a professional to help them. They’ve tried yelling and begging, and they’ve given up hope that anything they do will make a difference. They need help, but where should they go?

First, no person, gamer or not, will respond positively to being dragged to a counselor to be “fixed.” Unless a person is willing to change, and sees a good reason for doing so, they just won’t. Second, most counselors impress gamers very quickly as being out of touch with what’s important to them. They don’t know the games, they don’t know the culture, and they don’t seem to grasp that they come off as condescending and pompous when they pretend to be familiar with game culture, but know only stereotypes. Third, most of the counselors trying to specialize and provide useful help in this area live too far away to even consider a visit to see if they might be the right person to help, let alone visit regularly enough to receive counseling.

So what can I tell the people emailing me in the midst of their despair? First, don’t try to talk to your gamer about how you feel when you’re upset and the game is on. Wait until you’re both happy and relaxed, or schedule a time when he’s not fresh off the game or anticipating a new game. Second, talk about the issues, not each other. If you take a side, it’s human nature for the other conversant to take the other side. Gamers are just as familiar with the risks of gaming as they are the benefits. Talk about both. If you talk about how they affect your relationship, ask if he wants to do figure it out between you two alone, or if there’s someone you both trust to help mediate and translate, or if he’s willing to work with you to find a counselor you both feel comfortable talking to. You can change your minds later if the option you choose doesn’t work out, and go for a different approach. Third, if you do go looking for a mediator or counselor, be patient. You’re not going to find the right person to click with you both the first time you meet with someone…unless you’re incredibly lucky. And when you start meeting with this professional, don’t expect change all at once, or for the conversation to be all about the gamer. Be prepared to make some changes yourself. After all, the goal here isn’t to be “right” or to “win,” but to work out a way to keep this relationship and make it work for both of you.

Of course, there’s always the chance your gamer will tell you to hit the road if you don’t like how things are. In that case, “highly specialized treatment,” as Dr. Phil puts it, means letting go of what he wants, and focusing on what you need. You only have three choices. Live with it, renegotiate, or leave. Only you can decide which of those options will work for you, or if you need to try them all in your own order. The key here is never to threaten to leave, unless you are immediately prepared, mentally and physically, to do so. Empty threats only weaken your credibility, and thus, your ability to bargain effectively. Sometimes, you just have to let go of the hope that he’ll wake up and want to make you happy, and go find someone who won’t treat you like a rebellious servant. Someone actually interested enough in an offline relationship to balance gaming and real life, and handle the responsibility and emotions that come with living with another person as an intimate partner. It’s harsh, and painful, to face this decision when your gamer doesn’t seem to care how you feel, or even if you live or die. But part of being a game widow is being tough enough to see your personal reality and deal with it, especially when he won’t.

Healthy gamers and “video game addiction”

In the debate over the relative benefits and pitfalls of gaming, the most interesting discussion is whether healthy people can be “addicted” by video games. A simple yes or no answer really doesn’t cut it, as this is a nuanced and complicated issue. First, there is the definition of terms. Can we even agree on what it means to be healthy or addicted, when not even medical professionals agree, let alone recognize game abuse as addiction?

News outlets and non-gamers are surprised when they discover the majority of gamers are physically healthy…that they get exercise and have other interests. We’ve all heard the abuse horror stories in which someone neglects themselves and everything around them to live constantly in the game. However, this group of game abusers comprises only about 10-20% of gamers…an extreme sub-group. This is not to say that the families and friends of the 80-90% of relatively responsible gamers don’t get worried or ticked off during binge gaming sessions, or that personal health doesn’t take a backseat when the hot new game comes out. But for most gamers, a descent into the game world for the eternal “five more minutes” isn’t a permanent one. It’s just incredibly annoying to those left holding the reality bag while the gamer enjoys escape and adventure.

Gamers and non-gamers agree that the most prominent abusers of video games have issues that pre-date and actually make them more vulnerable to the temptation to abuse video games. These issues commonly include abuse of drugs and alcohol, abuse of other behaviors like gambling and porn, or struggling with a mental health or disability issue like depression, Asperger’s, ADD, etc. Even the medical community is now recognizing the incredible power of video games to distract a person so deeply that they can be used in place of painkillers. It’s not surprising that video games can be used to self-medicate and avoid issues that cause mental and emotional distress.

But is a healthy person likely to get caught by the desire to abusing video games for mood control, relationship escape, self-esteem, etc.? Could a healthy person become so dependent on entertainment that he or she lets real jobs, relationships, school, et al decay for lack of attention? Again, back to our definition of healthy. And here’s why I think healthy people do abuse video games, temporarily, or long term:

First, because so many stories I hear with “healthy” gamer abusing games includes gaming triggering the discovery of an underlying problem that was previously overlooked. A healthy gamer may have dealt with being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic in a balanced way for years. Or experienced only a very slight depression, thanks to an extremely active lifestyle. But then the games come along and suddenly, that balance is tipped. Small problems are amplified by neglect, and there is a downward spiral that occurs. This gamer was healthy, but that health was based on a delicate balance. The game acted as a sort of litmus to expose the problem.

Second, because “healthy” gamers who abuse video games sometimes do so for the perceived social cache of an extreme gamer. In essence, they get their self-esteem from abusing games. In a way, it is a kind of Hitler Youth mentality, where the gamer believes that their extreme dedication to the games, and prowess in playing them, makes them better than others. Hardcore gaming to them is all about being among the elite of a group which is superior to non-players and casual players. They believe that people who don’t understand or buy into their cultural and intellectual bullying are actually the source of all their problems. There are even people who claiming to speak for the game industry who promote this mindset and look forward to a halcyon future when non-gamers die off. These gamers may be healthy, but they are not healthy. The people who expouse this view of gamers and gaming are more harmful to their own cause than that freak extremist making up fake anti-gaming organizations.

And thirdly, healthy gamers can abuse games because human beings are eternally optimistic, and tend to cling to the self-image of health even when in obvious trouble. We never want to give up hope, or the belief that any issue we currently suffer with is only a temporary blip. Healthy gamers who end up abusing games usually mention only in parenthesis or footnotes that there was some sort of unusual crisis in their life when they started abusing games. A death in the family, a job loss, etc. Added to the eternally belief that we can stop doing whatever self-destructive behavior we’re engaged in at any time, because we are in total control, and you again have to ask, is this healthy? The most common words I’ve heard while researching game widowhood from listening gamers are “of course people get addicted to games, I have friends who are addicted…but I’m not.” Perhaps the person speaking has a problem, and perhaps he or she doesn't. But the rose-colored glasses aren't useful when an accurate self-check is required. We can't fix our own problems, whatever their nature, if we refuse to look at ourselves honestly now and then.

Healthy gamers are physically fit, find pleasure in many activities both electronic and not, have a happy enough circle of family & friends, and seek personal growth outside the virtual world as well as in. They have a realistic picture of the universe around them, and can see things from other perspectives than their own. They have many resources for dealing with crisis. They know both the risks and rewards of gaming, and balance them maturely. Millions and millions of people enjoy video games as simply another entertainment option. But there will be the small million among the tens of millions, who lose their grip, abuse the games, and then defend ruining it for everyone else by claiming that they, the abusers, are the normal and healthy ones.

Game Widow Book Release Event!

This Saturday, September 6th, Barnes & Noble in Woodinville, Washington is hosting the Game Widow Book Release Party at 7:00 p.m.! For anyone local to the Seattle area who would like to attend, this event is cool on two different levels:

First, it's a chance to hear a short exerpt of the book, and flip through it yourself to see why it's endorsed not only by Erin Hoffman (aka ea_spouse), Dr. Kimberly S. Young, and Dr. Walsh of the Institute on Media and Family, but also by Nick Yee and Jason Della Rocca, the Executive Director of the International Game Developers Association. And discuss the whole game widow phenomenon from your particular perspective with me, the author!

Second, Barnes & Noble isn't just hosting my book launch, but an entire day of local authors, including Ann Rule, who will be signing their books...for charity. A percentage of all the Local Authors Gala featured books sales will benefit Hopelink Literacy Programs. So you get to gratify your curiosity and do a good thing, all in one visit to the bookstore.

For those who can't make it to this particular event, but live in the Seattle area, there will be a second chance! On October 25th, I'll be at Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park, Washington. The address information for both the Woodinville Barnes & Noble and the Lake Forest Park Third Place Books events are at the bottom of this post...but first, I'm going to give you a list of all the scheduled authors for the Local Authors Gala this Saturday:

11:30 am - Leslee Tessmann, "Sacred Grief: Exploring a New Dimension of Grief"
12:00 pm - Carol Cassella, "Oxygen"
12:30 pm - Roger Yockey, "I Never Stopped Believing: The Life of Walter Hubbard"
1:00 pm - Arthur Sealls, "The Three Little Heroes"
1:30 pm - Cricket McRae, "Heaven Preserve Us"
2:00 pm - Susan Wiggs, "Just Breathe"
2:30 pm - Sheila Rabe, "Bikini Season"
3:00 pm - Molly Blaisdell, "Rembrandt and the Boy Who Drew Dogs"
3:30 pm - Donna Anders, "Sketching Evil"
4:00 pm - Ann Rule, "Smoke, Mirrors, and Murder"
4:30 pm - Leslie Rule, "Ghost in the Mirror"
5:15 pm - Anu Garg, "The Dord, the Diglot, and an Avacado or Two"
6:00 pm - Dan Pekarek, "Alcent Adventures" and "Alcent: The Ultimate Adventure"

7:00 pm - Wendy Kays, "Game Widow" Book Release Party!

Barnes & Noble - 18025 Garden Way NE, Woodinville, WA 98072 - (425) 398-1990
Third Place Books - 17171 Bothell Way NE, Lake Forest Park, WA 98155 - (206) 366-3333

(Game Widow is Wendy Kays' first book. Get more information on GameWidow.org. Game Widow is available through your favorite online and offline booksellers!)